Will we ever stop loving?

I call you and you’ve changed your caller tune to mine, again… and you still say you don’t care?

Yet, all you ever ask is if I’ve forgotten you…

How could I ever? That would be like forgetting me. Forgetting what I hold most dearly — my happiest times, my most sensuous self — me in love with you.

Everyone seems to see that we’re meant for each other, while we play long elongated games, trying to prove that we can have options.

You know you want me and yet you act like you don’t… I know I want you and hide myself under sheets of self-doubt, for fear of rejection… all over again… It’s always going to be a yes and a no, a yes and no and a yes and a no… with you.

And yet, here you are again. Here is that time again, when you will be in my arms soon and all I can think about is you… Your voice, your heavy breath that always somehow manages to find itself to my super sensitive neck… You’re prickly stubble that leaves me bruised and super-content every single morning… You’re wonderful taut body, which leaves me feeling protected, empowered, submissive, dominative, and several such beautifully contradictory feelings all at once… Here am I in that moment again, where I wish it had always lasted, wishing that I could fall asleep around that familiar scent and wake up to your beautiful raspy ‘good mornings’…

I cannot get enough of you, and neither can you of me, so why are we still at this?

You were.

Looking at this picture.
I taste a thousand feelings.
You were a sensuous delight and I miss you.

Scratchy on my face. Prickly pear, you were.
Prettiest eyes a boy could have. Prettier than most, you were.
The smell of something alive. Turning on mostly, you were.

As thin as a broomstick and gnawy.
Yet — virile — passionate and demanding, you were.
A joy to gaze at while asleep. A whole lot of fun awake, you were.
Love and energy you gave. The biggest emotional energy stealer, you were.
Thief of the heart, mind and soul. The giver-back always, you were.
Perfect in every inexplicable rhyme. My singer of love songs, you were.
Sharer of midnight snacks. The only one I wanted, you were.
The ever-existent bedroom voice. Always sexy when broken, you were.
The challenger of everything nice. The bringer of an indulgent evil in me, you were.
Carefree, youthful and mindless. Incomparably the hottest and sexiest, you were.
Pushing limits was your preferred game. Though loving and caring, you always were.

I wonder why it was always destined to never work out.

Cringe = Pain = Change (?)

Sitting and listening to a remixed version of Muthuswami Dikshithar’s Rangapura Vihara, sung beautifully by the angelic sounding Nithyashree Mahadevan, as I try to ignore the pain in my neck, literally!

Why would? Why should? Why would someone who claims to not be into you, jump on you, like a ravenous beast, the moment you are left in solitude with him? And like that’s not confusing enough, why would he leave so many painful scars on you, that you’re left pained and guilt-ridden for the rest of eternity?

For now, the scars of a few hours of passion feel so heavy on me, that I wish I could get myself a new skin. I wish I was a snake, able to slither out of my old skin whenever it got too old. Also, I would be naturally endowed with self protecting venom that would keep away the evil-intending...

The music heals for a while and then that nerve twitches from having been almost fed on, blood-clotted and tired from far too much pressure. Love-bites, if they can be called that, were never this irritating!

Looking around I see a million new resolutions, some palpable, some wishful thinking and some downright stupid! I can only hope I heal soon. From the inside and the out! All I seem to want for now is options. Options that are worth the taking...

Little paws jump up precariously onto my desktop and a pair of effervescent eyes look down at me. Sometimes I wish I could be a cat.

Pretty. Nine Lives. Sleep. Free Food. Adored by half the planet. Natural predisposition to being unimaginably cute — still wondering why?

We blink and flirt with each other and I remember speaking to the new ‘him’ yesternight. Could anyone else be more beautiful? I have found my kitten of a love in a human — let’s hope he swings my way and there’s a happily ever after :)

Pic © Joseph Sayers, 2004