I wanted him to stay over, I wanted to see if I could take his presence with me, in my house, in my bedroom, on my bed, for one whole night and deep down I did hope for magic to happen, but as life has taught me well, I wasn’t very hopeful of anything happening…
The night passed and the moon waned as he sat and poured out his sorrow filled heart-tales to me. I tried hard to be the unbiased listener and offered my opinion whenever I could, all the while only wishing I could have been the answer that would end all his miseries. I wished I was his type and secretly aspired to be someone he would fall for in that split second,
but eventually reality hit me where it hurt the worst.
We sat and shared our lives in the only art we’d conquered together – speech. And I don’t know how and when, he was in my bedroom, on my bed, on the side that I have always imagined my lover to be… I sat beside him hoping to be there for him emotionally in some way, and then out of the blue, he beckoned me… He asked me to lay my head on his chest, and I did. I almost choked with emotion, but couldn’t let him see how vulnerable I still was. This was his moment. I lay there, a million songs playing in my head and a million emotions making me almost go dizzy. Then I breathed and let the moment settle in.
I could hear his heartbeat and I sighed and hoped within that it would one day, be mine. And then it struck me. That was it. I felt no more.
I didn’t feel that sense of elation.
That amazing high one feels when one is sexually attracted to someone…
Had I stopped liking him? Or had I miraculously moved on? I wasn’t sure… two hours later, I am still not sure. I don’t know what changed for me in that moment. I now know that I am not willing to give me life away so easily to anyone who would value me any lesser than anyone else. I realised that the only man who would turn me on, would be someone who knows how to show me that I matter. One domino has been hit and the rest will fall down soon.
He has helped me in ways he doesn’t even understand.
We walked under the moonlight and into the darkness that lay ahead.
I know I love his company,
but am I willing to love someone who makes me feel non-existent?
I knew I could, I don’t know if I can and if I ever will anymore…
I need love and so does he. I will work towards finding him his love and in these moments of final stability, I hope I shall find mine. I do not want to grow old feeling any less than anyone else and this is the only way to make a beginning.
There was nothing left. A good friendship only turned stronger and a beautiful love that was so unquestioning has faced its first obstacle.
There was nothing more I could say other than, say goodnight and go.
Love. Hate. Opinions. Rants. Poems. Prose. Randomness. Me. You. Us. The Universe. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Monday, February 02, 2009
Say goodnight and go…
Friday, January 30, 2009
Culture my foot! All bleddy Hooligans only!
മ്യര് ഹൂലിഗന്സ്
Culture my foot! All bleddy Hooligans only!
What is with the Sri Ram Sene? Why is our government so quiet? I always thought I would never be a biased freak, but the BJP government seems to be proving that they can only propagate mindless communal violence when they’re around.
Is this Hindutva? If so, then why should it pertain to other communities? I am Christian and come from a purely Christian family. We’ve been Christian for four generations now… How does Hindutva pertain to us? Why are these rules for us?
Are we a Hindu nation, is this really that literally a Hindu-Stan?
Whose culture are they referring to when they say this is not Indian culture? Some ancient culture that they aren’t upholding themselves, or some newer culture that they’d like to propagate as their own. And to think that kids my age are taking up arms for such causes! I get it when a Kashmiri kid or a Manipuri kid takes to arms and joins a militant group. They represent repressed communities. Communities that have been oppressed forever! But what’s all this madness about Hindu dharm being under threat?
Threat from whom? Themselves I suppose. Brahmins are still Brahmins, and Shudras still Shudras – instead of solving those social issues, I guess they’d rather fight an invisible non-existent enemy. The Congress may have its faults, but at least it understands the complexities that this state and its people represent. The identity of the Kannadiga in itself is a fragile concept and now we have the Hindu, Christian and Muslim Kannadiga to further divide us. Is this what the present powers call divide and rule, or is this just pure pride at being the largest in numbers.
Are we safe?
Is my community safe? Is anyone safe… I guess this country has never answered those questions and prefers not to!
Where is this nation that is a mere concept heading to…
The Lord alone knows, and I put my trust in him alone!
This is my life!
I will learn to overcome these tears…
I will look at them as the only gifts you were able to give me…
I will move on…
I will fall in love again…
I will discover what true love is…
I will not lose hope…
You thought me unworthy…
The world doesn’t…
I still have people who care…
And always will…
It’s refreshing to rediscover the old me…
The special someone who had time for everyone equally…
That young boy whose mother was everything…
Whose friends were always more than just that!
This is my promise to myself…
To live life to its fullest…
To stop for no one,
Till they will to live my life with me.
Amen indeed.
ಇದು ನನ್ನ ಜೀವನ!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
When I open these eyes…
I welcome them with arms wide open…
Kann Vizhithaal is my prayer to the universe, to my destiny and to myself and my saviour. A hope that everything goes right, henceforth…
A hope that this time, my sadness and grief over losing someone who meant so much to me, might actually help me learn. I hope I grow old enough, one day… to evolve into someone mature enough to forgive him – but even if I don’t… I’ll know that my eyes are now open, and that in itself is triumph…
To a new beginning, to new friends, to love, to life and to me…
May my life be a little simpler now…
Do listen to the song below (at the end of the page)
Some of the lyrics that touched me the most are transcribed below…
...வானவில் வரையும் வானம்...