Deep Sin

Deeper I fall…

I thought I could wean off you, make myself learn that love is not everything and once again I proved myself wrong. Yes we drove together to our common destinations, sat side by side and always had ‘normal’ written all over our foreheads in big yellow flashing letters – but I always picked up intention. If someone looked at you and raised an eyebrow or let out that relish of a smile – I knew what it meant. You might have been off-guard, but I saw those amorous eyes as they looked into your eyes. Those supposedly innocent friendly pats, those mimics of human love and all those jokes passed of as camaraderie. I sighed inside and ate a part of an aching heart every time it happened. Like a self-consuming cannibal, I chose to let my love rot away and give you all the attention you needed – unasked for and never reciprocated.

I was fine.

And then today, like the wrath of the heavens pouring out against me, at a moment where vulnerability defined me in the essence – it all changed…
I fell at your feet, seeking forgiveness and refuge – dramatised it to every inch of perfection I could moulder – but as I looked up into your deep brown eyes, my whole body came to life. It was electric, it was fabulous and it was mind-blowing, all-giving and perverted. I wanted to have you there, right there, against your own wishes. To let myself indulge in you, to be ravaged, torn and used, all fully conscious of the fact that it is only fantasy and might never see a tomorrow – and yet I yearned, like I’ve never yearned before. I feel sick, like my insides have been turned out and he screamed again… How I wished you would have caressed my hair, held my chin up, looked into my eyes and just kept looking, till eternity…

I am love-struck once more and this time I hate myself for being.

Status Quo

Of clouds and climbers…

A night of good music, a night I hoped would never end – of sweet memories that riddled themselves like green climbers around a never ending pillar of dreams…
I hovered high above this body of mine, watching a 22 year old male cuddle up on the divan, content with the world around him, only yearning for the company of a someone who could share that intimate space with him and yet limit their presence to inhibit an intrusion. Mellifluousness is what he was looking for; much like those million songs he called his own. Those amazing compositions by maestros who mastered the craft of containing his every emotion in 6 minutes of pure passion, packaged and sold as simple dreams for people to regress to. This was life as he knew it, this was life as he wanted it to be, this was what kept him happy. This is what he now knew he was.

Mani Ratnam heroine!

He: So you’re gay?
Me: Yes.
He: So you’re seeing someone?
Me: No.
He: Were you seeing someone?
Me: Yes.
He: So why did you’ll break up?
Me: Just.
He: Are you looking for someone?
Me: No.
He: Why?
Me: Why?
He: Just.
Me: Ok.
He: So?
Me: Nothing.
He: So why aren’t you seeing someone?
Me: Just.
He: Just…
Me: Just!
He: Why?
Me: Because.
He: What you think you’re some Mani Ratnam heroine?
Me: What?!
He: All your one word answers!
Me: Oh!
Me: Sorry.

And I burst into a laugh that came from those extremities in me that had forgotten how to laugh. Mani Ratnam Heroine! Goodness me!

Say goodnight and go…

I wanted him to stay over, I wanted to see if I could take his presence with me, in my house, in my bedroom, on my bed, for one whole night and deep down I did hope for magic to happen, but as life has taught me well, I wasn’t very hopeful of anything happening…
The night passed and the moon waned as he sat and poured out his sorrow filled heart-tales to me. I tried hard to be the unbiased listener and offered my opinion whenever I could, all the while only wishing I could have been the answer that would end all his miseries. I wished I was his type and secretly aspired to be someone he would fall for in that split second,
but eventually reality hit me where it hurt the worst.
We sat and shared our lives in the only art we’d conquered together – speech. And I don’t know how and when, he was in my bedroom, on my bed, on the side that I have always imagined my lover to be… I sat beside him hoping to be there for him emotionally in some way, and then out of the blue, he beckoned me… He asked me to lay my head on his chest, and I did. I almost choked with emotion, but couldn’t let him see how vulnerable I still was. This was his moment. I lay there, a million songs playing in my head and a million emotions making me almost go dizzy. Then I breathed and let the moment settle in.
I could hear his heartbeat and I sighed and hoped within that it would one day, be mine. And then it struck me. That was it. I felt no more.
I didn’t feel that sense of elation.
That amazing high one feels when one is sexually attracted to someone…
Had I stopped liking him? Or had I miraculously moved on? I wasn’t sure… two hours later, I am still not sure. I don’t know what changed for me in that moment. I now know that I am not willing to give me life away so easily to anyone who would value me any lesser than anyone else. I realised that the only man who would turn me on, would be someone who knows how to show me that I matter. One domino has been hit and the rest will fall down soon.
He has helped me in ways he doesn’t even understand.
We walked under the moonlight and into the darkness that lay ahead.
I know I love his company,
but am I willing to love someone who makes me feel non-existent?
I knew I could, I don’t know if I can and if I ever will anymore…
I need love and so does he. I will work towards finding him his love and in these moments of final stability, I hope I shall find mine. I do not want to grow old feeling any less than anyone else and this is the only way to make a beginning.
There was nothing left. A good friendship only turned stronger and a beautiful love that was so unquestioning has faced its first obstacle.
There was nothing more I could say other than, say goodnight and go.