Deep Sin

Deeper I fall…

I thought I could wean off you, make myself learn that love is not everything and once again I proved myself wrong. Yes we drove together to our common destinations, sat side by side and always had ‘normal’ written all over our foreheads in big yellow flashing letters – but I always picked up intention. If someone looked at you and raised an eyebrow or let out that relish of a smile – I knew what it meant. You might have been off-guard, but I saw those amorous eyes as they looked into your eyes. Those supposedly innocent friendly pats, those mimics of human love and all those jokes passed of as camaraderie. I sighed inside and ate a part of an aching heart every time it happened. Like a self-consuming cannibal, I chose to let my love rot away and give you all the attention you needed – unasked for and never reciprocated.

I was fine.

And then today, like the wrath of the heavens pouring out against me, at a moment where vulnerability defined me in the essence – it all changed…
I fell at your feet, seeking forgiveness and refuge – dramatised it to every inch of perfection I could moulder – but as I looked up into your deep brown eyes, my whole body came to life. It was electric, it was fabulous and it was mind-blowing, all-giving and perverted. I wanted to have you there, right there, against your own wishes. To let myself indulge in you, to be ravaged, torn and used, all fully conscious of the fact that it is only fantasy and might never see a tomorrow – and yet I yearned, like I’ve never yearned before. I feel sick, like my insides have been turned out and he screamed again… How I wished you would have caressed my hair, held my chin up, looked into my eyes and just kept looking, till eternity…

I am love-struck once more and this time I hate myself for being.