Monday, February 02, 2009

Say goodnight and go…

I wanted him to stay over, I wanted to see if I could take his presence with me, in my house, in my bedroom, on my bed, for one whole night and deep down I did hope for magic to happen, but as life has taught me well, I wasn’t very hopeful of anything happening…
The night passed and the moon waned as he sat and poured out his sorrow filled heart-tales to me. I tried hard to be the unbiased listener and offered my opinion whenever I could, all the while only wishing I could have been the answer that would end all his miseries. I wished I was his type and secretly aspired to be someone he would fall for in that split second,
but eventually reality hit me where it hurt the worst.
We sat and shared our lives in the only art we’d conquered together – speech. And I don’t know how and when, he was in my bedroom, on my bed, on the side that I have always imagined my lover to be… I sat beside him hoping to be there for him emotionally in some way, and then out of the blue, he beckoned me… He asked me to lay my head on his chest, and I did. I almost choked with emotion, but couldn’t let him see how vulnerable I still was. This was his moment. I lay there, a million songs playing in my head and a million emotions making me almost go dizzy. Then I breathed and let the moment settle in.
I could hear his heartbeat and I sighed and hoped within that it would one day, be mine. And then it struck me. That was it. I felt no more.
I didn’t feel that sense of elation.
That amazing high one feels when one is sexually attracted to someone…
Had I stopped liking him? Or had I miraculously moved on? I wasn’t sure… two hours later, I am still not sure. I don’t know what changed for me in that moment. I now know that I am not willing to give me life away so easily to anyone who would value me any lesser than anyone else. I realised that the only man who would turn me on, would be someone who knows how to show me that I matter. One domino has been hit and the rest will fall down soon.
He has helped me in ways he doesn’t even understand.
We walked under the moonlight and into the darkness that lay ahead.
I know I love his company,
but am I willing to love someone who makes me feel non-existent?
I knew I could, I don’t know if I can and if I ever will anymore…
I need love and so does he. I will work towards finding him his love and in these moments of final stability, I hope I shall find mine. I do not want to grow old feeling any less than anyone else and this is the only way to make a beginning.
There was nothing left. A good friendship only turned stronger and a beautiful love that was so unquestioning has faced its first obstacle.
There was nothing more I could say other than, say goodnight and go.