Sunday, May 08, 2011

Questions I’d like to ask today.

Lunch at Coorg + Ice Cream at Wily Vanilli + Accidental, yet much enjoyed Mall darshan + Early dinner + Onir Anirban’s I AM = Happy Mother on Mother’s Day :)
Today was Mother’s Day, a day I always hoped that would be celebrated the most, for after all, what are any of us, without our mothers?

Korean dicktease TV series’ + An ex who has no shame and gives haath every single time! + A crazy Japanese TV series that has me believing in second chances.
Why is it always ‘complete reality’ or ‘complete fantasy’ in my life?

Watched ‘I AM’ and sorry Onir Anirban, but Harish Iyer’s story was way better without you meddling with it. Glad you made the movie all the same.
Now, why do I hope so much from a movie that I know is going to just be average in the first place? And why can I never really connect with the character of a gay man who faces harassment? I mean I was gay too, before 377, no? So why wasn’t I harassed? Was I that good at hiding something, I never meant to hide?

You’re hot. You’re throwing yourself at me. You find it easier to crack jokes on how you know I want you and yet you play dumb, also unzipping your fly without me even asking for it? DICKTEASE!
Why do I find straight, and funnily, available men, hot?

You say you like me. That’s what we discussed no? On that wonderfully comfortable sofa in the house of that guy who also claims to like me so much? Yet, you also say, you can never be friends with people you are attracted to, so wait... You aren’t attracted to me? What does ‘like me’ mean again? Come on, we both know you really aren’t the type who chooses intellectual over brawn!
Who are you? Why do you suddenly matter? Yes, I know your second name, so what? You’re the biggest dicktease I know? No wait, you have competition?

So will you die if you look at me? I have dealt with your hatred for far too long! What did I even do?
Why do butch lesbian women despise me and transgender queens mother me in equal passion?

You kiss so well. You’ve set my gaydar off every single time I’ve met you. Rumours abound on how you are an arse-stealer... YET!
Why is Rahul Bose not out yet, I mean, we all know he’s gay, right?

Sunday, May 01, 2011

YOU deserve so much more.

Thank you for reminding me that I am human.

Just when I began assuming that my life was finally going places, you came in and offered love to me — true love, unadulterated and without any complications — your heart, pure, sweet and lovely on a silver shaky platter — and I chose to walk away.

I am a monster. I hate myself.

I can’t look at myself in the mirror anymore, because I am doing what I promised I would never do to someone else. I promised to never hurt someone who loved me and there I was, hurting you — you deserved so much more, so much more. You deserved me a few years ago. You deserve someone who could love you, like you love(d) me — unquestioning, eccentric and hopeful.

I wish, I could love you without meeting you. I wish, I could give you my all, without even knowing where things could go. I wish, I was still the romantic I was at 16, trusting in every promise that was rolled out of a willing tongue. I wish, I could love you for who you are and not what I want you to be. I wish, I wasn’t such a hypocrite!

But, I am not 16 and I am not untouched and I am not unhurt. My baggage refuses to let me take uninhibited steps. To fall in love with you, without ever meeting you, demanded too much of me. I couldn’t even manage to imagine what life with you would be like. I feared, falling out of love, before I even truly fell in.

I am still to blame. And you are still the good one. I hope you forgive me and meet me someday, and I hope, I am less confused then. I hope it all works out and magic happens and everything clicks then.

If it doesn’t — I’ll know I wasn’t worth you.

I’m still meeting you for your Birthday. I’m no present wrapped in glittery paper, but I’ll at least prove to you how much you’re worth — way more than this pitiable writer, who has lost all faith in his ability to love, unquestioning.

I will always love you.

All those days watching from the windows... All those years outside looking in... All that time never even knowing... Just how blind I’ve been...

Now I’m here, blinking in the starlight... Now I’m here, suddenly I see... Standing here, it’s all so clear... I’m where I’m meant to be...

And at last I see the light... And it’s like the fog has lifted... And at last I see the light... And it's like the sky is new... And it’s warm and real and bright... And the world has somehow shifted... All at once everything looks different... Now that I see you...

All those days chasing down a daydream... All those years living in a blur... All that time never truly seeing... Things, the way they were...

Now he’s here shining in the starlight... Now he’s here, suddenly I know... If he’s here it’s crystal clear... I’m where I’m meant to go...

And at last I see the light... And it’s like the fog has lifted... And at last I see the light... And it's like the sky is new... And it’s warm and real and bright... And the world has somehow shifted... All at once everything looks different... Now that I see you...

I am someone’s reality. *sigh* :)

Nobody has ever written a rhyme or verse for me...

And recently Shruthi Rao did. So, while I know it’s a little too much self-obsession,
hey, it doesn’t happen all that often...

I had a dream
Of ice cream and singing
Of Tamil movies
With Romal laughing

And why wouldn’t he?
Because that’s what he is
Happiness personified
The image of utter bliss

I kept thinking
What is his secret?
Neither would he worry
Nor would he fret

All thoughts aside
We spent the whole day
Doing silly things
That indeed, made my day

It was a nice dream
One I’d remember for all eternity
And then I woke up and realized
Romal is my reality :)