Friday, June 02, 2006

I Gave Up… Before I even started…

“It never really mattered,
Anyone could see,
For what began in nothing,
Ended Similarly”.

Love Makes You Blind, or so the cliché saying goes. Quoted and re-quoted, it never fails to bemuse me, for the sheer irony of it.

I saw him, the day I entered college. Yes, the sun shone bright that day, and the trees were greener than usual. I even (and I can swear) heard birds chirp, and saw butterfly’s flutter around everywhere.
It was a beautiful morning indeed, and it was even prettier with such a face to enliven it. I wonder what drew my attention to him. Was it just how he looked, was it his eyes that made you look deeper into them, the more you stared, or was it his smile?
I guess it was the smile (A Smile Speaks a Thousand Words). I was floored, I needed to get to know this person, and I needed to know what was it that drew my attention to him, in just one glance.
Now as much as I wish that ‘My Story’ took the ‘normal’ turn of events thereafter, it didn’t!
I never spoke to him all through my first year, and when I did stumble upon an excellent opportunity to speak to him, I couldn’t muster up the courage to even say ‘Hi!’
I was in the most simplest of words a ‘Loser’, ‘a big time loser’, in love.
But, ‘My Raincloud’ saw the sun too, and one day I did.
The conversation lasted for half an hour (I felt it went on for days), and in those brief moments we spent together, I knew he was meant for me. I dreamt of having his children, raising his family, and spending the rest of my life with him.
We became the best of friends, he loved me, I loved him, and it was funny that all this was happening, just because a smile had caught my attention on a very fine morning.
I saw my dreams come closer to reality. He made me need him, he needed me, we needed each other, and life went on.

Wondering where the fateful twist comes in? It did.
Not much later, she entered his life. She stole him, slowly, all the while cleverly playing both sides of her card well.
I realised too late. I couldn’t undo what happened, so I let life take us where it wanted to. I couldn’t give up, so I took on the role of the martyr (How we all love that role). I would love him endlessly and let him follow his heart, and if I truly loved him he would come back (Romantics!)
I watched them fall in love, I actually helped them fall in love, and when they were in love, I couldn’t help but envy her. I knew I could have been selfish and claimed him for myself, but I believed in ‘Love’, in its most divine and purest form.
I believed in sacrifice.

Two years down the line, I’m still single, and he and his vixen are the most happening couple on campus. I still love him, and I’ll wait, forever...

He found out the other day, and instead of glorifying my Martyrdom, he walked away, disgusted.

His face turned away from me, he asked me, with tears in his eyes, if I actually loved him.
I managed to get out a yes, all the while trying to stop myself from choking over pent up emotions, dying to burst out.
He tried to put on a fake smile, and he just walked away, not saying a word, leaving me alone, all alone, on that road…

I wished it had rained then… rained like never before. I wanted to wash away his tears, and cry out loud. I had turned that pretty face I loved, into a face of confusion, bitterness, and sorrow,
When I was only trying to ‘Love’ Him.
What went wrong?
It seemed so senseless that, my own ‘Good Deeds’ had turned against me…

But then, right then, I realised…
It struck me like lightening, and shook me to my very core.
I hadn’t loved him!
I couldn’t have been in Love, if I could hide it so well and never let him have a clue…
It wasn’t Love, for I let him hurt himself… He felt guilt, as he walked away…
And if I loved him I wouldn’t have let him feel guilty…
If I had actually loved him, would I have so easily given him up, and let him into the arms of another…
If I had actually loved him, wouldn’t I have tried harder...?

I had enjoyed our Honeymoon, and didn’t want to take it further…
I didn’t have the strength to face what would become of us, if I spoke the truth.
I didn’t want to even try to make the honeymoon last forever…
I didn’t believe it could…

The Honeymoon ended before it began…
I gave up… before I even started.

“The last petal withered, crumbled and fell to the ground…
A Flower not watered… Died a wasteful death”


P.S: No Ideas... as to who im referring to... coz its no one...

This is a piece of writing i've submitted to a magazine... Chumma! and dont be so confused of the gender... DUH!!

8 comments:

Books inc said...

Hee. Well I'm glad s/he realized at the end :)

actions n words said...

But for moment, I thought I had known a completely different porkey.... If not for that note in the end!!!!

Very well written!

blue plush said...

Yeahhh....i doubt you mister..!..u jus tryin to fool around..i hope i know u that well...i guess i know who he was!
but really well written dude

Mithraah Indiirh said...

Realised... Yuppp!! Actually it was much more than that... ha ha!! :)

Mithraah Indiirh said...

hey ackie mam!! lol... Well im sure i've never potrayed myself in extremes of either sexuality... I like the middle path.. BI(sexuality).. Much easier to cope with... sao IT might have been trrue.. haha!! juat kidding!

Mithraah Indiirh said...

Blue plush jeee... keep guessing jee haha!! Maybe your right!! I dunno!! do you??

beyond the sky said...

hey very well written...!

Mithraah Indiirh said...

Thank you beyond the sky! : )