Lol! This was written in Feb, but somehow it's managed to find it's way onto my blog only now... So forgive the delay and yupp... Don't take me too seriously!
Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20):
Ey… Fishey fishey fishey fishey… I like Tuna!
Your month ahead is going to be scaly, smelly, sticky and wet. My my, doesn’t that sound familiar now? Oily situations are expected and getting out of the mess you already live in, might just cause suffocation and lead to eventual death. Try to stay with similar minded people, because quite obviously you will ONLY be understood by them. Mind work and things pertaining to the brain should be thoroughly avoided. Stay dormant till your month comes, nobody wants to see you till then anyway. The sun always seems more beautiful from where you see it, but it’s actually a ball of gas, not very unlike you.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 20):
You’re a GOAT! Could life get any worse?
Its winter and you’re meant to feed on winter fodder aka DRY grass for the uninitiated, so what’s left to say? Everything’s going to be dry this month so, learn to enjoy from what you’re left with, because it’s only going to get even drier. Pity yourself and stay away from water, food, other humans and generally do good to the whole of humanity by just NOT being present. Aquarians will hate you anyway, because they’re very sure you’ll dry them out too, so what’s the point? Yes, you can ponder over that, while everyone else EXCEPTING YOU scores.
Taurus (Apr 21 – May 20):
I like Beef (not the COW!), and you’re totally beefed up, aren’t you?
You’ve fattened yourself all through the Holiday season and now it’s about time you got slaughtered. You’re long overdue anyway, so what’s all the complaining about? All that fat needs to be used up right? This month is going to be you’re month. Red’s all around, and well you’ll soon end up trying to butt the right target and realise you butted the fire engine instead! You poor confused soul! Moral of the story; don’t go butting your head into everything that’s red. And yes STAY AWAY FROM FIRE! ; It might just turn out to be that ‘fatal’ fire engine.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21):
Believe me you’re GAY! Half of Christ College thinks so anyway!
The month proves very interesting for most Gemenians. Everything’s going to be on the double for you this month. You get punished; an expelling is on its way. You get sick; believe me! It’s about time you got yourself medically insured. And by chance you do get to fall in love, even though chances are EXTREMELY rare, you’re in for loads of trouble. Stay away from anything that comes in Binary’s, which would include EVERYTHING that moves, and if you’re a guy, good riddance, bad luck’s ON you anyway! Aries will make brilliant companions.
Cancer (June 22 – July 23):
You’re named after a disease! Life is interesting huh?
The coming month is STERILE. You will need to decontaminate yourself before you do anything. Make it a point to wash you’re hands, Bad luck’s been known to pass with the touch of the hand, and we don’t want more bad luck in our lives now, do we? Keep away from all you’re loved ones, pets and anything else that can make the situation anymore MALIGNANT. Bathe yourself in Eucalyptus oil, it keeps everything away. That way you’re happy, and so is the rest of the world! You have a tendency to be an ‘unwanted presence’ in most other people’s lives. So stop trying to GROW, I mean, what’s the point?
Leo (July 24 – Aug 23):
The King eventually loses his mane. He goes bald and all because of a horseshoe?
A month of contrasts this will be. The contrasts will be welcome because you won’t be seeing them happen to you, anyway! You will not lose anything that you do not already have, but will lose loads of the stuff you DO have. Relationships will continue to be as boring as they were, and role reversals will occur, only remember you’ll be at the losing end. Jobs can be lost, and so can companions and lives, especially yours. Cutting a long story short, you’re a LOSER all this month, SO GET USED TO IT!
Virgo (Aug 24 – Sept 23):
You might be a virgin but nothing else new is in store for you.
Ok, what’s ‘interesting’ and new and at least kind of ‘interesting’ that the month holds for you? NOTHING!!! Don’t know why I’m even trying to write a horrorscope for you. There is just so much of nothing coming your way that the entire bundle of nothings put together actually might turn out to be something. Tough luck again though; because that something is not going to be worth anything. So what’s the point in you reading this? Nothing, you might as well just look at the next horrorscope. Let’s call it quits huh? That way you’re happy and so am I. AT LEAST you’ll be ‘happy’ then, if NOTHING else!
Libra (Sept 24 – Oct 22):
Neither here, Nor There, Nowhere!
If you were confused all through last month, with insecurities, and dilemmas plaguing you, FRET NOT, things will remain EXACTLY the same, they will not get any worse. It must be easier for you now to accept simple facts in life like there is NO such thing as a correct choice, and no dream will ever come true. If it isn’t, acquaint yourself with such ideologies, for they will be your true companions for a few more years to come. Condition yourself to just laze around and be contented, for action will NOT be word that will figure in your dictionary in the near visible future.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 22):
Bichchua, Tu n’es pas Bryan Adams!
Quit playing games with yourself. I agree you’re apparently modelled over our clawey friend, but the claws went out of fashion a really LONG time ago! Get over the notion that you are talented and good-looking, you’re not! At least not during this month sweetheart. Guess why? Because IT’S NOT YOUR MONTH, for heaven’s sake, use that brain! Let them fluidy Aquarians have at least something once in a while, God!
You need to stop taking yourself so seriously, I mean come on! You are a joke anyway!
And just because Bryan Adams was born somewhere around the time you were, that doesn’t mean you can sing. Give it up already!
Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22):
So you’re part animal, and part man, what’s that got to do with luck or stars or me?
You will as always start the month confused, end it confused, and will be confused all through the rest of it too. Confusion will be the aura that penetrates everything you do, and everything you say. Watch what you say, because very often you might be saying something altogether different, from what you actually meant. You know you speak Greek too right. Have you figured out what your name is and how old you are? Never be too sure, everyone is anyway against you. Turn to your confused within for solace. For innate confusion is the only way out for you.
Capricorn (Dec 23 – Jan 20):
Ha-ha! You’re a year older and your birthday is over, you’re weird!
Like the Tropic of Capricorn, your imaginary linear personification that apparently crosses the earth, YOU will also be, just a concept, in the coming month. Forget you even exist all through this month. I mean, your birthday is over, who needs to know you now? Don’t be surprised if you’re forgotten, ignored or just completely non-existent to most people around you. Come on it’s not our fault you were born between Dec 23 and Jan 20!
You’re problems will not be noticed and so the stars really don’t care! I’m not to be blamed because you chose to be born earlier.
Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19):
Yeah! Your Birthday’s around the corner, I want cake! : )
The month ahead is going to like water, and I know that’s the most cliché Aquarian prediction possible, but do you really mind? Avoid everyone else; including other Aquarians especially the Arians, they’re EVIL! They want to steal your water. I know!
I’m good though, so I deserve cake, my e-mail id is given below, don’t forget about the sweet horrorscope uncle on your birthday ok? Oh yes, the month promises to have large happy events filled with lots of goodies, and cakes. Giving a particular sweet horrorscope uncle some cake will also increase your chances of having a brilliant year ahead.
Veryjeevith Paaniwala and Jaanful Waterboy.