Friday, October 15, 2010

Am I a bad person?

So am I a bad person? Because I couldn’t accompany my mom to a birthday party, even though my cold’s so bad, I’d give up my life, in an instant, if the choice was given to me!

Why are gay boys often taken for granted in a family? Now, if one of my brothers (who are all straight) had said NO, it would have been accepted, understood even. But with me, I need to deal with the long face, the mono-syllabic answers and a general behaviour that makes me feel like the biggest sinner in town. Sometimes I hate being gay.

Which brings me to the other part of this post — The ‘I hate my ex boyfriend’ part.

A friend recently asked me to write this out as an exercise to see what probably went wrong in my oh-so-glam love life. I wish! If nothing else, maybe this is another step towards closure? Please don’t guess as comments. If you really want to guess whom these people are… Mail me and I shall tell you :)

Here goes nothing…

You who grew up in front of my eyes, from weird hairstyles and a moustache, to sudden chic discovered. You who was OK to go down on me, only because I went down on you! You who held me close every time I slept over and taught me how I can fit on a single bed with you. You who kissed me in the moonlight and took me on long rides, telling me to hold on tight, lest I fall down and get hurt. You who crashed up with me on several occasions, all thanks to my hands who couldn’t control themselves. You who taught me to love and feel loved. I love you, yet I hate you for not loving me enough.

You who walked into my life, literally, one fine morning. You who called me every single day, only because you felt at peace, once you heard my voice. You who loved me in every possible way, but the physical. You who always wished I was a girl. You who smelt so bad at times, I needed to force you to use deodorant. You who won over my family, and carved a special niche in my life. You who made me feel more like a mother than a lover. You who blamed me for all your ‘bad habits’. You who abused me, whenever you felt like it. You who were an awesome lover, only because you were so passive. You who still reigns supreme in my heart, for some inexplicable reason. I hate you for making me love you so much. Yet, I love you.

You who talked me into loving you. You who did exceptionally romantic things and yet claimed to never feel ‘like that’ for me. You who had strange exceptionally cold hands. You who sang like an angel and loved most of what I loved. You who taught me to love myself. You who stole my heart, the first time I looked at you. I despise you for being so unfair to me. But karma comes full circle and hence I have hope.

You who gave up, before even trying, thanks to what a friend said. I have nothing to say to you. May you find what you are forever searching for!

You who were everything I asked for. You who was me in another prettier avatar. You who I could spend a whole night just talking to, about the most random things. You who hated the world knowing about what we shared. You who chose me over someone else. You who came into my life and left it with such style and panache, that I am still left wondering — Is it over? You were perfect. You were special. Probably you were too good to be true?

There, I feel much better now :)

6 comments:

Parul said...

i read this post 3 times,i can relate to it,not exactly,but in a different way.
but,i have to say this,i loved it, well written...just cant express what i want to say.

pure said...

Uh...

Love shouldn't complete you

It should make you happy...

If it did...

That should be enough...

We wouldn't be able to bear it if we were happy all the time!

Babushka said...

beautiful!!

in a melancholic-and-may-karma-get-your-a**-someday way... :)

Mithraah Indiirh said...

@Parul: Sometimes nothing said at all, means everything :)

@Pure: As your msg said a few days later? But why not aspire for happiness always? What if you know you really want it?

@Babushka: LOL :P

Reynah said...

=)

at least you've no regrets Romell; be yourself!

Mithraah Indiirh said...

That is there :P